Captive of Mind and Soul - Part I

I sighed as I walked down the sidewalk to the small convenient store that was a couple blocks away from our apartment. It wasn't that I didn't want to go, I really didn't want to leave our little home in all reality, but Mello had ordered it. As his dog I must obey.

I took a small puff from the cigarette that had been in my hand before pinching out the light, and then tossing it away as I walked into the store. I grabbed a cart, I would definitely need one if Mello was out of chocolate, which he was. Not only did he need chocolate, but we also needed some other essentials. I should count myself lucky that I knew what brand he liked, or else it would take me forever to find the exact kind because of all the types in the store.

It was called “small” by some of the other people that live close to it, and the owners, but, in all truthfulness, it was not small at all. It was actually huge on the inside, compared to how small it looked on the outside. It held tons of items in it. Everything from food to office materials: they had it all.

As I made my way to the chocolate aisle I let my mind stray to thoughts of my best friend. The blonde haired, leather clad male that had a very bad temper, and was always breaking things; more importantly my things. So, why did I put up with him? I wasn't exactly sure. No, that's a lie. I know perfectly well why, I just didn't want to admit it.

I was in love with him.

Whether it was wrong or not, I was. It's not like it really mattered, though. What I wanted I wasn't going to get. I never got what I wanted, unless it was in the game-verse, where I spent most of my time. It wasn't like Mello was going to magically turn from being straight to being gay, and definitely not for someone like me.

I stopped in front of the chocolate that he liked and started to just randomly throw bars into the cart. He would need a lot of them in order for them to last a while. As I did this I let my mind wonder back again into the realm of my depressing, taboo thoughts.

I was the least bit attractive, so nobody should like me, even though girls seem to like me. Yet again, not like I cared. I was gay, not straight. Those girls can look all they want as long as they don't touch me. Seriously, though, nobody should find me attractive in any way, shape, or form.

I was as skinny as a twig for one thing. Not many people like their significant other to look anorexic. Then my skin was pale enough to rival a ghost, a result from staying inside so much. I never liked the outside so I never went out unless I had to. Not to mention my hair. It was as red as an apple for god sakes! Then my eyes were just plain ugly.

Not only were my looks against me, but Mello was, well, Mello. My best friend. My very male, very straight, very best friend. He's never acted like he was interested in anyone, and if I didn't know better, I would say that he was asexual. I knew that he wasn't though. I knew for a fact that he was straight because when we were at Wammys he went out with this blonde girl named Emma for a few months.

I shook my head to clear it of the troublesome thoughts that I was having. If it wasn't going to ever happen, I should just stop thinking about it and get on with life. Which, still involved Mello. I sighed again as I left the aisle with the bottom of the cart filled with bars of chocolate. Now to get the other stuff. I thought as I walked through the food aisles to get what we needed. I just wanted to hurry and get home, or else Mello would be even more pissed and break another one of my games. I would really rather that not happen.

*~*

I walked out of the store carrying four bags. Two of which were filled with chocolate and the other two were easy to fix foods. It's not like either of us had that much time to make anything. He had me on surveillance so I couldn't do it, and with him gone to his little mafia idiots almost all day he couldn't. Not to mention he was always too busy bitching and moaning about something when he got to the apartment, or shooting something....

I knew that I should have brought my car. I thought with some regret. I normally wasn't the type to exercise or anything like that, but I had to. Well, hypothetically speaking. It was nice enough out that I didn't have to take my car to stay warm, and I wanted to take my time. I might love my car to death, but sometimes I needed a change of pace.

Besides, the car would only have made it easier for me to carry stuff, and it wasn't like the bags were that heavy. Of course there was a lot of chocolate and there were cigarettes along with other stuff, but it wasn't that heavy. Five pounds at the most - if that much.

I moved the bags slightly so that I was balancing all of them on my right arm as I got out my cigarettes and took the last one from the pack before lighting it. After I had placed my lighter back in my vest pocket, and, after I had made sure that the bags would be fine during the trek to the place I had to call home I transferred the original two bags onto my left arm so that they were balanced..

As I was walking I couldn't help but foresee the future. Either Mello was going to shoot at me, or threaten to shoot me.

*~*

“You lazy ass! Where is my chocolate!” The blonde yelled not even a second after I had walked through the door. I rolled my eyes, knowing that he couldn't see it from behind my goggles.

“It is right here, Mello.” I sighed as I walked into the small excuse for a kitchen that we had. As soon as I set all the bags down I grabbed one of the chocolate bars and tossed one towards the blonde in the doorway.

“You,” He frowned at me, “are late.”

“You didn't give me a time to be back.” I replied quietly, like I normally did. I wasn't that talkative. I guess I should be glad that he hasn't shot at me yet. “You just told me to go get your chocolate.”

BANG

I spoke to soon, I guess. I mused in my head as he glared at me. His ice blue eyes were threatening, but just as attractive... Dammit thoughts! Shut up! I groaned in my head. I wasn't going to be having those thoughts again. I looked back at the mafia boss evenly, not wincing at how cold his eyes really looked. I had to admit that, sadly, I was used to his moods.

“If I remember correctly I told you this over an hour ago! You're just now getting back. You should have been here a while ago!” He growled as I looked over my shoulder at the bullet hole that was now in the wall right next the fridge. At least we didn't have neighbors. The only other people that lived in this complex were junkies, they wouldn't care. Besides, they were all on the lower levels of the complex.

“Sorry.” I said as I started putting the things that I just bought were they belonged. It wasn't that I was this docile out of the kindness of my heart, I was more the type to fight people when they tried to tell me what to do, but Mello was different. I couldn't explain it, but I always wanted to follow him. Something made me follow him, even when we were kids: something told me that it was what I needed to do.

“It better not happen again.” He said stiffly. I probably got him even more pissed off. I mentally rolled my eyes because as close as he was to me now he would have seen if I had physically rolled them. Then I really would have been in deep shit. “Now, it's your turn to keep watch.”

“I'm always the one to keep watch.” I muttered as I made my way passed him and into the other room. It was true, I was always on surveillance duty.

“That's because I am busy, and you don't have a job.” Mello snapped and I could feel his eyes on the back of my head. I freely rolled my eyes. How did he think we had enough money for things? Yeah, sure he gets money from the mafia to pay for our apartment, but how does he think I pay for his chocolate and my cigarettes? I actually did have a job, it might as well have been just as illegal as Mello's. He didn't really need to know that, though.

I kept my eyes glued to the screen as I watched it. He was having me watch some of the territory that his gang controlled, which I truthfully didn't see why he was having me do it. If he wanted it done, he could have one of his crones do it. It's not like I was apart of his precious mafia.

“That's what you think.” I muttered. I had thought that it was low enough that he couldn't hear it, but I must not have realized how good his hearing was because he heard it, and I felt the Nintendo that I had recently taken out of my jacket ripped from my hands.

“What was that?” He hissed as I looked up into those blazing eyes of his.

“Nothing.” I said and went to grab the device from him when he threw it as hard as he could at the wall, making it break. I flinched as I heard the sound that it made as it hit the wall. I would have to get a new one.

“It wasn't nothing. What did you say?”

“It wasn't anything important.” I told him quickly, but at the same time quietly. It was something that I always have done. I used to rarely do it with Mello, but now, it seemed like I did it to him all the time.

“Tell me.” I just shook my head and then I squeezed my eyes shut when he picked up one of my games for my X-box and tossed it at the wall. I knew he had broke it too, and I was about half-way done with that game. I half-heartedly glared at him when I opened my eyes, knowing that he couldn't see it. Even if he did it would have made him even angrier. I didn't even know why he was angry this time.

“I said that it wasn't anything important, and it's not.” I said again, trying to calm him slightly, which I knew wouldn't work. It used to, but it doesn't anymore.

“Just tell me the truth, Mail.” I stiffened at the use of my real name. Mello only used it when he was serious, and it either pissed me off of made me feel special. This time it was the former of the two.

“I said, “That's what you think.” Because it's true, Mello. You wouldn't even know if I had a job, or not. You just assume things.” I said, raising my voice. “You wouldn't know what I did all day because you are never here, and when you are you are either sleeping, calling your contacts, or too busy being bitchy because of some stupid reason. You think you know everything, Mello, but you don't.”

I didn't even bother to look at him to see the look of shock on his face that I knew was there. I rarely ever spoke up against him, and when I did I normally didn't say that much about things. Normally I would call him a bitch or something. Not tonight. He just couldn't keep from going too far with things. No matter how much I cared for him, there was only a limit to what I could take: what I would take.

I stood up and walked over to where I had put my boxes of cigarettes, and got a new pack before fishing the lighter out of my vest that I had carelessly thrown around the back of a chair. Without even thinking about what I was doing I walked towards the door without even putting my vest on and when I opened the door I looked back at the blonde who was looking at me. His eyes said something that I couldn't read, not that I really wanted to.

“Watch your own damn cameras.” I threw at him before walking out and closing the door forcefully behind me.

*~*

I was angry, no, I was beyond furious. I should have been mad at Mello, but no. My feelings stopped me from being that angry at him, forcing the rest of the anger at myself.

I shouldn't have said anything. I knew that I was going to get burned, but that didn't stop me from playing with fire.

I guess I had guessed this was going to happen sooner or later. It was long over-due for him to break one of my games.

I didn't dare to take my anger out on the blonde, even if I had wanted to. It would have made him even more angry and make him break even more of my games.

So, here I was, walking down the street for the second time today. Not only did I need some new games, but I also needed to cool down before going back home. Though, I was almost positive I was going to get yelled at when I got back.

As soon as I walked into the GameStop I went straight to the fighting games. I needed to get another Modern Warfare 3 game as well as a new Nintendo. I already knew where everything in the store was at, I kinda needed to when I was living with the temperamental blonde. Let's just say, even for a gaming master, I was still here a lot.

After I had grabbed the two things that Mello had just broke I grabbed some other games that I thought looked interesting and that I didn't have yet. I needed something to keep my mind away from the stress, and what's less stressful than killing things in games? Besides, he probably already broke some of my other games. The thought made me sad because I had never broken anything that belonged to him and I never would. I knew it was Mello, and I was choosing to live with it.

I forced the thoughts of Mello out of my head as I went up to the counter with my games to see another male, most likely older than I was. I looked at him from out of the corner of my eye as I paid for my things. I handed the cashier the money and then when I went to turn around the guy was right beside me.

“Oh, um, sorry.” I said, making sure not to run into him like I almost did.

“It's fine.” He said. Then he looked at me closely. “Do I know you? You look familiar.”

“I don't believe so. I'm sure that I would remember you.” I replied as I took the mans appearance in. The man looked to be in his early to mid twenties if not younger, and his bright amber eyes went together with his pitch black hair in an eerily perfect manner.

“Just because we don't know each other doesn't mean that we haven't seen each other before.” The man said. Then he blinked, some of his black hair falling in his face. “Where are my manners? I'm Lance.” He added as he held out a hand to me.

“Matt.” I replied cautiously as I took his hand. He seemed harmless enough, and I doubted that he would ever find out who I was. As long as he wasn't a cop I would be fine.

“Nice to meet you, Matt.” He nodded as he withdrew his hand.

“Are you looking for anything in particular?” I asked. I might not have worked here, but I could tell him where to find something.

“Oh, uh, no.” He said. “The owner is a close family friend, so I thought that I would stop by to say a quick 'hey', but I guess he isn't here.”

“I heard that he was sick.” I told him. Of course I knew this, I heard it last time I was here, which happened to be a few weeks ago. It was a while ago considering I was used to being here every other week to get new games.

“What a shame.” Lance sighed. “It's been a while since I talked with him, and I thought now would be the best time as any.”

“Yeah.” I muttered.. “Well, it was nice talking with you, Lance, but I can't any longer. I told my friend that I would be back soon.” Lie. I didn't tell him that! My mind was scolding me. I knew that I should have told Mello when I would be back, but I had been too angry to care. I also knew that I shouldn't lie to people that much unless there was a reason. I just didn't want to admit the truth to myself.

I just wanted to go back to my blonde best friend, and live life the way that it used to be like. A part of me did, at least. The other part was telling me that I didn't want to go back to that ignorant bastard.

“Really? Damn, I wanted to ask you to get some coffee with me.” The raven said, his eyes flashing with something that I didn't understand. My mind was frozen. Coffee?

“Er, why?” I asked meekly. I was baffled to say the least. I almost ran into him, told him that I had to go, and he wanted to get coffee. Nobody ever wanted to do anything with me, especially with that. I would even go so far as to say that everyone wanted to avoid me.

“Because, you seem interesting.” The fuck? He just met me and deemed me interesting. Wonderful.

“Um....”

“You don't have to, and it's not a date.” He said. “It's just called strangers getting together and getting to know each other. What do you say?”

“I still think that I shouldn't....”

“You know, you seem stressed. I heard that talking over coffee helps with that.” I looked out the window to see that it was still fairly light out. It was 4 in the afternoon at the latest. I sighed in defeat.

“Fine.” Besides, I added silently, I doubt it will kill me. This guy seems okay and easy to get along with so far.

“Good. I knew that you would see it my way.” He smiled. “My car is a closer to Starbucks so I guess we can walk there, k?”

“Yeah.” I agreed. I was doing too much walking today, more than normal, and my muscles were starting to complain about it, but I would be able to sit once we got our coffee. Who would have known that I would get asked out for coffee by some random guy in a gaming store? “Just, don't try anything.”

“Don't worry.” He laughed as we walked out of the store, me making sure not to forget my bag by holding onto it tightly. “I already told you that this wasn't a date, I'm not that easy!” He glanced at me. “Besides I know better to take something that belongs to someone else.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I mean, you're attractive, but I wouldn't want to take someone else's' man.” He winked at me, causing me to look away from him quickly. Like anyone would ever want anything to do with me.

“I don't belong to anyone.”

“Oh.” He blinked in surprise. “Really?” I rolled my eyes behind my goggles. Either this guy was just very dense, or he was a damn good actor.

“Yeah, really.”

We walked the rest of the way to the Starbucks in silence. I wouldn't go as far to say that it was comfortable, considering that I didn't know the guy, but it wasn't uncomfortable. Was it weird to say that I felt somewhat safe with him? I didn't think that he was safer to be around than Mello, Mello would be able to take care of himself better, but this guy made me feel like I wasn't walking on glass all the time.

I found it odd, and didn't at the same time.

As we sat down and ordered our beverages I kept thinking about how odd it was to be feeling safe with someone that you didn't even know. I wasn't even sure of what I had been thinking about for a minute, all I knew was that I was lost in my own thoughts. That was until I felt a pair of eyes on me. I turned my head so that I looked into amber orbs.

“So, you said that you didn't belong to anyone, that surprises me.” He commented lightly.

“How so?”

“It's just, someone as attractive as yourself should have somebody. I bet it's not that hard to get someone to fall for you.” Harder than you think. I thought with a sigh.

“I'm not attractive in the least.”

“Are you kidding me? Dude, I've seen super hot guys before, and you, sir, are hotter than all of them. Have you seen yourself in a mirror?”

“First off: I thought that you said you wouldn't try anything? Second: No, I don't. I am not some conceited prick with a god complex.”

“I never said you had a god complex, and I never said I wouldn't try anything. I just said that this wasn't a date. Seriously, though, why won't you admit that you're attractive?”

“Maybe it's because I am not.” I said and left it at that as the waitress brought out our drinks. I took a sip of mine, letting the hot liquid travel down my throat. I had just gotten a black coffee. I was the type to leave things dull and boring.

“What about you?” I asked when I set my steaming beverage down in front of me.

“What?”

“Do you have anyone special in your life?” I asked. I had already gathered that Lance was either gay or bi. He basically gave it all away by his body language and the way that he was talking to me.

“Oh, no I don't.” He said with a shake of his head. Now it was my turn to ask the questions.

“Why not?”

“Why are you asking?” He shot back quickly.

“You asked me the same questions.” I pointed out.

“I haven't found the right person yet. I want them to love me for me, not for my looks.”

“I guess that's a good way to look at things.” I said after a while. That would be a good way to look at things, and I probably would have looked at them that way if I had a different life. That wasn't going to happen though. I was going to be with Mello for the rest of my life, I was probably going to end up dying for him. I can honestly say that I might not have minded that much.

“Yeah, but I haven't found that person and I doubt that I will.” Lance said with a small smile on his face. “I am the type of guy that just fades into the background.”

“I know how you feel there.” I tended to fade into the background a lot, not that I minded at all. I actually preferred it that way. I always have, and I was sure that I always would. “I'm sure you'll find that person, though.”

“One can hope.” He said before taking a drink of his beverage, me following his example and quickly downed mine. “I'm just not so sure if I should get into a relationship, you know? I mean, my job is stressful and everything. I don't know if I could give my lover all the love that they would need to be happy.”

“What is your job?” I was curious. All jobs were stressful, so how could his be any different?

“I'm a supervisor.” He said casually.

“Doesn't sound that stressful to me.” Especially with who I live with. I thought, but tried to ignore it. Of course it was stressful living with Mello. He was a mafia boss for Zelda's sake! His job was a lot more stressful than the one that Lance claimed to have.

“Well, you don't have to do my job. I have to work with idiots and tell them what to do all the time.”

“Sounds interesting.” I muttered.

“You aren't one of many words, are you?”

“Not really. I normally don't leave the house.”

“Interesting....” I heard him mutter, almost too quietly for me to hear.

“What is?”

“Nothing.” He said, looking at his watch. “I was just thinking on some things. It's getting late, we should probably get going.”

“I guess so.” I said as I stood up, not bothering to look at the clock hanging on the wall. It couldn't be that late anyway, right? I shook my head as I picked up my bag before looking at Lance, who was also now standing. The raven was smiling at him. I had to admit, it was sort of relaxing talking with him, even if it was boring.

“I hope I see you again soon, Matt. I had fun talking with you.” He said as he walked past me before stopping and looking back at me, meeting my goggled gaze steadily.

“Yeah, I had fun too.” If anything that made his smile widen for some odd reason. “You know what? I bet you will meet that one special person within the next few months.”

“I think that I have already met them.” His amber eyes flashed again with the same intensity as before. “Hey, Matt, what color are your eyes?”

“Blue.” I answered almost instantly, and after I couldn't believe it. I would never do that, but for some reason I answered like I was used to it. Like with what I would do when Mello asked me a question.....

“That's nice.” He said softly and then turned to walk away again, leaving me to stare after him and wonder what that was about. He was nice, seemed that way, but he was odd. I just decided to think about it later.

I looked back at the table to make sure I had everything with me, and to put down the money, but apparently Lance had already beat me to it. Then on top of the money was a small piece of paper that had a series of numbers. His phone number. I sighed as I flipped it over to see writing. 'If you need to talk, just call and talk.' I put it in my pocket before grabbing what I had brought with me.

I made sure that I had everything before making my way to the apartment, and to the pissed off blonde that I was sure that awaited me.

*~*

To my surprise Mello didn't say a thing to me when I walked into the apartment. All he did was sit and glare, or what I deemed as “sulking.” It wasn't like I was complaining, or anything like that. I actually preferred the silence, but it was quite unnerving when I was used to being yelled at.

It, in fact, was a lot later than I had originally thought. I knew it was at least 4 when I had actually left with Lance for the coffee, but, when I checked my phone before coming into the building, it was close to 7 o' clock. It was a miracle that he wasn't shooting at me, or had tied me to the bed. Tied to the bed..... I shook my head to clear those unneeded thoughts that were starting to swim around in my head.

It was at least a good half hour before the blonde started to actually speak with me, and I didn't really know what to do when his voice sounded softer than usual. He didn't sound as angry as I thought he was going to be.

“Where were you?” He asked softly. I looked at him, his blonde hair was shielding his face from mine, so I couldn't tell if he was looking at me or not. He was leaning back against the sofa and holding onto a chocolate bar like normal.

“I was out.” I said, and to my surprise, he left it at that. He didn't even try to drill me on where I was out to. I was glad about that fact. I didn't know how I could've told him about talking with Lance. If he acted anywhere like how he acted when he was a kid: he would be jealous. Not to mention the fact that he was probably worse than when he was a kid.

“For that long? I barely get you out of here as it is, and when you finally decide to leave you go off for hours without telling me.”

“I didn't think I needed to.” I said evenly with a shrug as I sat down in the chair that stayed in the corner. It was surprising that Mello wasn't sitting here. He seemed to always be while I was stuck sitting on the couch. “I also thought that we both needed to cool off.”

I watched from the corner of my eye as the grip on the bar of chocolate became slightly tighter. I was positive that he got the hidden meaning there. If it was just him that needed to calm down I would take whatever he needed to vent, but when we both needed to cool off it meant that I needed to calm down: he knew it too.

“You could have at leas-” His sharp voice was broken off as I took it up for him.

“I could have done what, Mello? Told you where I was going? I didn't even know where I was going.” That's when he jerked his head up so that I could see his eyes. They were filled with anger along with some other unreadable emotion. Something that I had never seen in his eyes before. Was it worry? I shook my head again. Don't be stupid. Mello would never worry about a thing. I told myself.

“Look,” He groaned as he stood up and stretched. The 19 year old put a hand on his head before looking at me again, “it's been a long day. We've both been up since dawn, and I think it's time to get some rest.” He jerked his head in the direction of the bedroom and I sighed. I wasn't going to be able to play any of my new games tonight, because what Mello wanted, Mello got. Especially from me, and he knew that too.

I nodded wordlessly, and stood up: putting my new Nintendo DS down in the process. We were forced to share the bed, which thank Zelda it was a double and not just a single. I don't think I could have stood it if it was a single bed. Mello insisted that I sleep with him in the bed because he needed me to be fully rested and the couch is uncomfortable to sleep on.

Both of those might be true, but I wasn't sure why he bothered. He knew that I didn't really sleep that long anyway. Six hours was the longest sleep that I have ever gotten before. I had never truly had a good night sleep, not since I was little, before I went to Wammys.

When I finally made it into the bedroom I found that Mello had already stripped down and was currently putting on the loose black shorts that he wore to bed. He never wore anything else, just those shorts for some reason. Even in the winter he wore them. I had already kicked off my boots at the door earlier, so I took off my goggles and gently lair them on the bedside table before stripping down to my boxers.

It should have been easy to sleep with Mello, we had done so in the past so many times because one of us was scared, normally it was me. It was easy, not as uncomfortable as it would normally be if you were sleeping in the same bed as your secret love. I hated to admit the fact that it kept getting more and more uncomfortable as we got older, as the one-sided feelings I had for him got stronger.

I just pushed those thoughts out of my head as I crawled under the covers. Mello was my best friend, and I didn't want to do anything to make him leave me. Not a second time. I cared about him too much. I cared about myself too much.... I guess I was a little selfish, but I knew that it had hurt Mello too, even if he didn't want to admit it.

I just ignored all thoughts as I cuddled against the pillow, and I breathed in the blondes' sweet scent as I drifted off into sleep. Even if I couldn't have him as my lover, I could have him as my best friend. My talk with Lance strengthened that small resolve in me. I would always have Mello as my friend if nothing else.